Post 2nd baby journey - 1 month later

One month ago I wrote about my struggle after having 2 kiddos.  So I thought I'd let you know the progress after just one month.  I discovered Fit2B.us and 1 month ago I started doing their workout videos.  Fit2B.us is a fitness website dedicated to workouts that are safe for those of us with diastasis recti (when your tummy muscles have separated).  

So here are my before and after measurements: (Again I don't do pictures for the world wide web...I'm not THAT out there).
February 22, 2015: core not engaged: 32 inches
                        core engaged: 30.5 inches

March 23, 2015:  core not engaged: 30.5 inches
                            core engaged: 28.5 inches
* All measurements were taken at the belly button

Now you may be wondering what in the world I mean by 'core not engadged' vs 'core engadged'...
Well, this is how I think of it from what I've learned from Fit2B.  A core that is not engaged is just that, not engaged, just hanging out.  Your loose, limp and there isn't any muscle tightening happening.  When your core is engaged your muscles are engaged, your not sucking in your simply activating your core.  I imagine bringing my belly button to my spine while I'm breathing out.

I still have diastisis recti.  That hasn't gone away (yet).  But it has gotten better in just 4 weeks.  I have gone from a 1-2.5-1 to a tight 1-tight 2-tight 1.   With the help of fit2b I am confident that it will heal with time and exercise (besides it didn't rip apart overnight, so it isn't going to heal overnight)
This is the video I followed when I checked my DR:  http://fit2b.us/how-to-check-for-diastasis-hd/

To say I was skeptic of this website, of how their exercises could help me is a HUGE understatement.  I hemmed and hawed about trying it for 2 weeks.  I emailed them asking questions and always got a friendly and prompt reply and decided to join for just 1 month.  I thought, hey, what's 9.99 to see if it works for one month.  Well, folks it does.  For real.  And no, I'm not being paid to say this, no one is giving me anything to have this opinion.  And yes, I bought a year membership the minute my monthly membership was up.  I've been doing 1-2 of the foundational 5 exercises a day and 1-2 other workout videos a day 6x a week.  I usually give myself Sunday off.  I'm also walking more and eating somewhat clean (except for the occasional brownie or binge on m&ms).

Here is a blog post by Bethany, the owner of Fit2b that gave me hope and made me sign up after I read it.   http://fit2b.us/2011/07/22/how-to-have-a-flat-stomach/

In short, I'm now more comfortable in t-shirts and most of my clothes.  Which is good since it's getting warmer and I will have to put my wonderful collection of hoodies back in hibernation for the summer. HA!

In another month my goal is to be .5 inches down when my core is engaged and unengaged.

My First Stitch Fix

I discovered this beautiful, wonderful, fun thing called Stitch Fix (thanks to my friend Amy)!

In short, Stitch Fix is basically having a stylist pick out some clothes for you based on a questionnaire you fill out and then you get a cute little box (shipping is free) with 5 items in it for you to try on in your own home.  If you like the selections you keep them, if not you return them in a prepaid envelope.  The only time you have to leave you house is to walk to your mailbox (if you return something).  All you pay is $20 (styling fee) and whatever selections you keep the $20 goes towards.  The only way you lose the $20 is if you don't keep any of the selections.  That's it.  It's simple, it's fun and it's awesome!
 

I'm not very fashion forward; especially after having 2 kids and being completely out of the fashion loop.  My fashion go tos are hoodies, t-shirts, leggings, jeans, and yoga pants.  That's basically what I live in.  And then there are times I have to go out to a fundraiser or dinner with Drew and I need something that doesn't resemble casual clothing.  My go to place is White House Black Market. The reason is that I am a size smaller in their clothes than any where else.  I love their clothes, they last, they are classy and I can get a lot of wear out of them.  But I needed something different, something I wouldn't pick out for myself.  Also, I haven't been shopping for myself in a LONG time for anything other than leggings.  So, I turned to stitch fix.

Here is my first fix:

#1

Queensland Dolman Jersey Top - Dark Purple 48.00

KEPT IT!  Loved it!  It was perfect

#2

Liverpool Mira Skinny Jean   78.00

Verdict:   KEPT IT!!  They fit like they were made for me.  And the best part is: angels sang when I put them on.

#3

Market and Spruce   Chambers Cowl Neck Knit Top   48.00

Verdict:  RETURNED IT.  

When I saw it in the box, I loved it but seeing it on, not so much.  It just hung on me and the neck was way to big.  Also, I have A LOT of grey in my closet.

#4

Daniel Rainn   Luigi Lace Insert Printed Blouse   48.00

Verdict:  RETURNED IT   

I did not like this one at all.  The black v in the middle was lace and way to low for my conservative self and in general the top was way to big, especially under the arms.  

#5

Pink MArtini  Augustina Lace Back Open Cardigan   68.00

Verdict:  RETURNED IT.

YEah, lesson learned.  I should have put on the detailed questionnaire that I loathe cardigans on me.  They look cute on other people but not me.  Also, 68.00 for this cardigan is CRAZY.

My advice is be detailed in your responses on your questionnaire and then on your returns.  It is only going to help them pick the clothes you will love!  Also, each category has a price range, I picked the mid range. 

All in all I ended up with one awesome outfit!  And those jeans that I hear angels when I put them on.  Seriously.  Totally worth it.  Also, those two items are less than what I normally would spend at white house black market.  So, really I'm saving us money.  HA!

I will be doing it again before summer for a new summery fix!

Also, they should have this for men, so I can sign Drew up.  He loves nice clothes but loathes leaving the house to shop for them. 

Here is the link to sign up.  If you use this link to sign up I get 25.00 towards a new fix!  And then when you refer friends (after your first shipment)... you get 25 bucks towards your next fix!  So do it...you won't regret it!

https://www.stitchfix.com/referral/4758731

My post 2nd baby challenge

This is obviously a problem that isn't really high on the scale of problems in this world.  But it's something I have been struggling with and after much thinking, I've decided to share.  Mainly, I'm sharing because I can't possibly be the only one out there struggling with this very thing.

Here's the background: I've had 2 kids. (Aren't they adorable:)

  The first baby girl was huge, 9lbs 3oz and in turn I was huge.  That first pregnancy I ate whatever I wanted (which included at least a bag of sour patch kid gummy things per week), and gained 35 lbs. I bounced back to my prebaby shape in about 8 weeks.  Then comes the 2nd baby girl 2 years later.  I watched what I ate, and tried to keep my indulgences to a minimum.  But in the last trimester cherry berry frozen yogurt was a weekly event.  I gained 30 lbs and baby girl weighed 8lbs 3oz.  8 weeks after baby girl #2 I was back in 1 pair of my prebaby jeans.  And I was depressed.  So, I took a break from all things sweet for 2.5 months and watched what I ate.  Now here I am 6 months later after baby #2. I've lost all the baby weight plus about 9 lbs.

And now your asking what the problem is.

Well, I still look preggo.  I have this mummy tummy as some call it.  In fact my breaking point was when Belle (my ever honest 3 year old) came up to me, poked my belly and asked kindly "mommy, is there another baby in there?"
Um NO!     I cried. And cried some more.
I'm being completely honest when I say I've been depressed about what I look like, about what these babes that I adore have done to my body.  Everywhere (it seems) I see women who have had babes and boom they are back to this great flat stomach.  Meanwhile, I sit here looking preggo all over again, even though I weigh less then I've weighed in a LONG time.  

Long story short this is what conclusion I came too:  I know that God still loves me, that Drew and the girls still love me.  But I didn't love myself.

So I did the only thing a reasonable person does.  I googled my tummy problem.

Come to find out I have diastasis recti.  Which is basically where your ab muscles are split, they are no longer together as they once were.  Because there were babes in there pulling them apart.  Here's how I finally came to the conclusion that that was what was wrong with me.  Do this simple self test and see what it shows. Here's the link to the video I used from Fit2B.

http://fit2b.us/how-to-check-for-diastasis-hd/

There are actually 2 videos when you type in that link.  The 2nd one is more detailed then the first and much more helpful in truly understanding the problem.

I have a 2 almost 2.5 finger gap at my belly button.  Which is not too bad; when from what I've read many women have a much bigger gap than that (think 3-5 finger gap).  But now the real problem starts; how to fix it and feel comfortable with myself again.

So I googled and googled and googled...did I mention I googled it?

And I came to a couple of different programs: 
(These are strictly my opinions about these programs...I encourage you to check each one out for yourself)

The Tuplar method:  In short you wear a splint at all times except in the shower to bind your abs back together and also do special exercises to help strengthen your core.     Yeah, you can imagine that I did not take this one to seriously for myself.  Wearing a binder does not come under my description as fun.  It may work for some people but it wasn't going to work for me.

The MuTu program:  An online program or DVDs that you purchase. It has A LOT of positive reviews.  I debated about this one for  a while  but couldn't bring myself to pay 120$ for DVDs that I didn't really know if they worked...

Postnatal Slimdown/Moms into Fitness: Basically, a workout program that includes 2 phases to get you back into shape after baby.  Also, includes special exercises for DR (diastasis recti) and the routines are modified for those with DR.  I actually started this workout DVD.  Stuck to it for 6 weeks.  I lost about .5 inches from my tummy and about 1.5 inches from my hips.  It's a good DVD.  But I saw very little improvement with my DR.  I still looked preggo, and I felt like my tummy muscles (what was left of them) weren't being challenged. So, I went back to my old friend google.  (I will probably incorporate the moms into fitness workouts again once I heal my DR).

And I came across Fit2B.us   It's basically workout videos made by a fellow momma in her own home.  Don't worry she's not just some random momma, shes actually trained in all things fitness and healing DR.  
I e-mailed the company and got a quick response with some answers to my questions and decided to take a chance.  I signed up a couple days ago and I have to say I am impressed.  I am not a person that has ever worked out before (except when I used to tag along with Drew to the gym before kids).  But these videos are great.  And I can already feel the burn, so to speak.  Also, she does exercises for DR like none I have seen or done before.  I'm optimistic about this program.  It's also pretty cool that she has workout videos that you can do with your kiddos.  It's 9.99 a month and you can cancel at any time.  (oh and I should mention, no one is paying for my opinion about this...its just my unpaid for opinion)

I don't have time to go to a gym.  I don't have a nanny on call, or family around me, I don't do gyms with childcare and I have a hubs that works 12+ hour days. So this works for me...because, I hate germs and because putting 2 kids in the car is usually ridiculous.  So, this working out at home works for me.  Maybe it doesn't for you (which is a-ok, do what you can/are able to).  Its better than the alternative of sitting on the couch being depressed and eating yet another bag of m&m's.

The other (possibly selfish) reason I write this blog is to keep myself accountable.  If someone else knows (even if I don't know them) that I'm doing this, I feel this weird motivation to keep doing it, to actually choose a lifestyle change and dive head first into getting into shape.  

I'm nothing if not honest.  And this is my honest struggle right now.  

Also, you might be wondering what the 'before' pics look like....yeah, I'm not THAT honest folks.  Also, I don't put myself out there THAT much.  :)

I will say that my measurement at my belly button is 32 inches.  My goal for now is 31.  One inch at a time.

I'm hopeful that I can close this DR and be comfortable with myself once again.  

Grief

Some days it doesn't hit me.  Most days it does at one time or another.  Yesterday I was in the car driving big one to preschool.  The day before I walked by his picture in the family room.  It's random, this gut wrenching, punch you in the stomach feeling of giref, sadness, loss.

We knew he was sick.  It was a fact, we knew he had stage 4 kidney failure and that that doesn't cure itself.  I thought I was prepared.  I went back home numerous times thinking that could be my last time seeing him.  Yet, I found myself there just 30 minutes after he had passed away completely unprepared.  Completely in shock.  And then my auto pilot kicked in.  Taking care of grandma, seeing that things were in order, making arrangements, and calling people to let them know.  We planned the funeral and I didn't cry, we went and got funeral clothes and I didn't cry, we hurried back home for one night and I didn't cry.  I didn't cry again until the day of the funeral.  I broke down when I saw him laying there lifeless, his soul in heaven.  People comforted me that hadn't even had the decency to talk to me in years. Which made me cry for longer, at their fakeness, at what shambles my family is in.

My grandpa wasn't just a grandpa. He was the only father figure I had in my life.  My dad left me when I was 4 and I haven't seen or spoken to him since my wedding day.
 My grandpa was the only one that stayed in my life.  He was a constant.
He was the one that walked me down the aisle,
introduced me to Jesus,
bought me my first car,
forgave people that wronged him over and over,
drove me everywhere when I was in elementary school,
bought me ice cream every day after school when I was in 5th grade (literally every. day.),
was over the moon when I brought Drew home because he finally had a grandson,
and my biggest supporter since I was knee high to a grasshopper.  I went through a lot of years of anger after my parents divorced and I took a lot of it out on him but he never batted an eye, never let me get to him.  Through all that he still just kept loving me, kept making sure I was taken care of and never let me want for much.  He was the only father I had and he is no longer here with us.  And my heart is broken.  I know he is with Jesus, of that I am sure, his faith and love for Jesus was his foundation.  But I still am sad with gut wrenching knee in your stomach grief at times.

My mother in law said something very wise at the funeral... she said "God gave you your grandparents because he knew you would need them."  So very true.  I would not be who I am today without my grandpa and grandma.

Rest in sweet peace with Jesus Grandpa.

2

So, I haven't posted in a long while.  Actually make that a REALLY LONG WHILE.

And in that REALLY LONG WHILE I became a momma of 2 girls...not just 1 anymore.

I'm still alive.  but most days it feels as though it is just barely alive.  And that is the truth.

Lil Miss Annalisa was born on June 24th.  After a rough start to the scheduled c-section we finally got to meet our new lil lady.  Evidently, I have an extremely high tolerance for pain meds.  There I am feeling tingly from a great spinal (and yes I say great b/c I didn't feel a thing) then before I know it the doc is poking me with something sharp and asking if I can feel it.  And I feel it.  Yep, felt every bit of it.  And I was supposed to be numb.  I guess they don't expect you to respond yes in tears when they ask can you feel that...
Then they gave me some more meds and put me on my head, tested me again and after I still felt their 2nd test they started talking about putting me under completely.  They even went out and told Drew that that was what was going to happen.  I'm crying and half drugged.  They started getting everything ready for putting me under and thankfully the doc said lets try one more time.  And this time, no tears because I couldn't feel anything.  She weighed 8lbs 3oz exactly one pound less then her big sis when she was born.  This lil lady felt like a newborn, unlike her older sister.  And that was it, life as a family of 4 began.

Annalisa had no problem fitting right in, her first night home we got up one time with her (which she has made up for since)  She is a beautiful, sweet lil lady.  Growing every day.
Her big sister had a rough time at first, not with her new sister but with me.  I think she was angry because I was gone for so long in the hospital and her routine was different.  But all is better now and she is back to her usual awesomeness.  Except now she is 3!

The transition from 1 to 2 was not without its bumps, bruises and tears but life as a momma of 2 has finally calmed down a little bit and we are establishing our new routine.  I am however, still hoping and wishing for more sleep but that is my new normal for now.

2 years old!

This time 2 years ago we brought home this lil gal...

1 year ago...

Today...

When did she get so big?  I would like to know...because I obviously don't remember it happening...
This time last year...I wrote about some of her favorite things so I thought I would do it again.

She loves: swimming, playing with her kitchen set, eating ice cream and M&M's, swinging, the big blue slide at the park, taking care of her babies, coloring and stickers, loving on her bear; BoBo and feeding ice to Duke

Fav books:  Llama Llama and Pinkalicious and Curious George
FAv food: Beef and Noodle and icecream with daddy and any kind of fruit
Fav words: awesome, yeah, silly
Newest discovery: Winnie the Pooh and eating her entire meal with a FORK!:)

She is beyond sweet and still our answered prayer.  We prayed many days for her and she is beyond anything we ever dreamed God would give us.  She is a beautiful little girl inside and out and we adore her.

10 Years Ago

10 years ago today Drew and I got married.

I know what your thinking, geez 10 years.  I know, because that is exactly what I've been thinking too!

So, in honor of being married 10 years...I'm going to give you a glimpse at what life for us was like 10 years ago (at least what I can remember).

10 years ago...

- We were both kids...just 19.  Yep, 19. We were engaged spring break of our senior year of high school.

- I cried the entire way down the aisle.  And I cried throughout almost the entire ceremony.  I was a hot Cinderella dressed mess.  Not because I was sad, but because I knew this was life altering, not something to be willy nilly about.  This was marriage and I was absolutely overjoyed that I had found God's perfect someone for me.  But looking back it would have been huge if I might have laid off the tears a bit...maybe I wouldn't have messed up my vows and had to repeat them.

- My mom was my maid of honor.  Amazing what can happen in 10 years time to a relationship.

- We were broke. Drew had 2 part time jobs that summer, I was gainfully unemployed and both of us were about to start our 2nd year at 2 different universities in Saint Louis.  In several of the years that followed our wedding we ate the vast majority of meals with my family or his because free food was exactly that...free.

- My sister was 7 and she was not a big fan of all the waiting that came with a wedding...waiting to go in, waiting to get pictures done, waiting to get the ceremony over with, waiting to take more pics, waiting to go eat, waiting for cake, waiting to get her scratchy dress off.  By the end of the afternoon she was an emotional mess.  But I do remember laughing at her several times:)

- My grandparents walked me down the aisle. I cried.

- My father-in-law married us.

- I wore ballet slippers because lets be real here people...heels are not for an overly emotional bride like myself.

- I was a curly haired red head.  Yep.  And I admit I'd love to go back and redo my hair.

- Drew was ubber Hot that day, like straight up GQ worthy.

- Drew was not a big fan of wearing a black tux in 90 degree heat at 10 in the morning.

- Besides the day that Belle was born, this was my favorite day.

Here is to 60 more years together :-)

Mother's Day

I have mixed emotions about Mother's Day.

On one hand I don't care for Mother's Day.  It's another holiday made up by Hallmark to sell cards.  Another day to remind me that so many women my age have a mom out there that loves them, supports them and is their friend.  Another day to remind me that I don't have that relationship.
Even before our relationship fell apart it was strained, I couldn't be myself around her.  I felt like I was constantly trying to earn her love and to make sure I didn't lose it.
I wonder if our relationship was ever real sometimes.

Yet on the other hand I'm a momma to a beautiful and sweet baby girl that I love more than life itself.  And Mother's Day to me means celebrating that little girl that has made me a momma.

I never want Belle to question if I love her...I never want her to think she has to earn my love or that she could ever lose it.  I want her to see me apologize, and know that even momma isn't perfect and that that is why we need Jesus.  I want her to have the relationship with me that I don't have (maybe never had).  That is my prayer this Mother's Day.

A Change of Heart

Sunday before last we were studying the first part of Galatians, where Paul gives a brief history of his life and talks about finding freedom in Christ.  But what got me was the part about Paul's past, he began his life as a persecutor of Christians but one day God changed his heart and made him into the man he was to be, a follower of Christ and a leader of Christians.

Focus with me: God changed Paul's heart.  Changed it so dramatically and fully that it was unbelievable to some.  To me, it's hope.  

If God can change Paul's heart then can God change the one person's heart that made me run back to Him? Yes, He can.  But will he? and would she even accept the change?  I don't know.  

All I know is this: seeing the utter destruction of our relationship was the final straw that sent me seeking God once again with an actual open heart to Him.  

  

Tis the Season

I was dancing to Christmas music around the tree with Belle in my arms and I started to just feel them coming...the tears.  In recent years I've dreaded Christmas and I guess this year is no different only thing about this year is I'm not working and am at home alone with a toddler and my thoughts.  Not good some days.

The entire month of December when I was growing up was a holiday; mainly because of my birthday and Christmas.  Now I dread both.  Christmas in my house growing up was always an occasion from getting a tree,decorating, going to church, shopping and everything in between.  Christmas day was full of family, presents galore and mountains of food.  Everyone got  along ( for the most part). Christmas was always at my grandparents house.  And then it was over and the family was gone and Christmas was spent a part in separate houses, in separate states and with separated hearts.

It might all be easier if the family I knew had died because then they wouldn't have chosen to separate from us.  Its harder when they make the choice to leave.  Both my parents have chosen to leave me and since I've become a parent it tears my heart out every time I think about it and the holidays bring it all to the surface.  And I hate it.  Because I know now that I could never do to Belle what has been done to me.  never.  I would climb every mountain and swallow every bit of pride I have to prevent it. Its also so hard to see my sister go through much the same thing.

So I've resigned to make it a happy season for my sweet daughter, who doesn't deserve any of the feelings of abandonment and all the tears that I have.  I must focus on being a godly parent and apologizing when I don't get it right (which is often!)  Lucky for me God is my true Father and he hasn't left me.

1 year old!

One year ago the pic on the left is what I had in my arms...a sweet, cuddly, sleeping newborn.  The pic on the right is what I now have, an ever happy, walking, adorable 1 year old.  I would like to know when she grew up...and when this change took place, because seriously, I have a hard time remembering the newborn in the picture on the left...and I suppose in a year I'll have a hard time remembering the 1 year old on the right.  Here's the lowdown on the 1 year in the picture on the right... so that I remember this come next year.

Fav. food is beef and noodle and ice cream (but only when fed to her by daddy)
Loves: the vaccum: its basically her best friend, she giggles at it and likes to chase it.  I've only ever heard of babies and kids hating the vaccum, but she loves it!, she loves to read: all books over and over and over.  (Just FYI: Board books do not feeel good when dropped on my toe or popped over my head...), she loves juice (preferably prune juice...ewww!).  She also loves to play fetch with herself and Duke's tennis balls...she also loves to play fetch with Duke too:)  She loves to swing, she would swing for hours and hours and hours.  A swing set is gonna be in her future!

She broke herself of being rocked to sleep, a habit that I created when I started staying home FT...then one week she just decided she just wanted to be put into bed and go to sleep herself.  She's a big people person (the opposite of me...) when we go out she's all about smiling and laughing at people and lil kids...all she wants to do is play with other kids when she's out around them! 

She has made me a better person, without a doubt. And she has singlehandly made me an even bigger believer in God.  How can one not believe in God after seeing this miracle named Belle?  Only God could make this itty bitty newborn into this sweet lil toddler a year (just a year) later!

Home is seriously where the heart is.

I love staying home with my girl.  There is no other place I would rather be. 

The gift of staying home hasn't come easy.  Things have been given up, people have cried, lives are changed ....all so that I can stay home with my sweet girl.  Everyday I think about what it has cost for this gift, this wonderful opportunity to stay home with my girl.  Some days it gets me a bit at what has been given up, at how many people it took to make this gift, this time with Belle happen.  Today is one of those days.  My heart is hurting so badly from the thankfulness inside of it.  For everything that has been sacrificed I am thankful.  I wish there was a better word than thankful, maybe grateful?  No, grateful is still not strong enough for what my heart feels these days. 

I love to hear her giggles, to rock her to sleep, to see her do little things that she couldn't do the week before, and to see her sweet smiles all day long everyday. 

Thankful and so very grateful is what I am for this life changing opportunity.  My heart is so full of gratitude it is bursting.  So thankful for all that so many have sacrificed for.  It breaks my heart to see it, to remember it; yet it brings a smile to my face and sweet memories to mind when I think of the reason I am sitting here at home with my Belle.  I will be forever eternally grateful for that which God has given me through the hard work, sweat, and tears of so many.  Eternally grateful...Those two words describe perfectly what my heart feels today, and everyday. 

God is good all the time.

Wow...it has been...AWHILE!

So....yeah...its been awhile since I last blogged...but ya know things sometimes get set on the back burner after baby comes into your life and literally sucks your brain out, and leaves you with a pile of mush that revolves around her.  And I wouldn't want it any other way!  Sweet Arabella was born on Aug. 9 '11.  And yep, that makes her almost 9 months old!  9 months old!  Woah! People always say time goes by fast but seriously I do not know where the time has gone...one minute she was a sweet newborn that coo'd and smiled at everything and now shes an almost 9 month old that drools, slithers across the floor faster than a rattle snack, pulls up on things and is getting 3 top teeth (upping her to 5 teeth in her mouth!) 

Obviously time is not on my side here!

She is absolutely, hands down the best baby ever!  No doubt!  She loves to swing, rock, have her belly tickled, peek-a-boo, BATHTIME, stuffed animals, daddy and her Duke.  Shes amazing.  I love her beyond comprehension. 

She is our answered prayer.  When the Lord created her he went 10 million times over what we ever prayed for...she is truly an answer to so many prayers.

32 weeks

Baby Bean is a girl...cause I know I've been lacking in my posting...We didn't even know what bean was last time I blogged... so yeah it's been awhile.

Her room is finally coming along!  Drew painted it last weekend, he put the crib together, and cleaned most of the room out.  And I sat around like a beached whale.  Yep, thats the life!  I'm kidding I helped when I could but seriously I was pretty useless.  Good thing Drew doesn't mind that fact :)

People keep asking if my family is excited about baby bean's upcoming arrival, and yeah my sister is very stoked, my grandparents are excited but they have so many issues right now that they have to worry about.  And beyond that on my side of the family, well thats is as far as who even gives a rip.  Becoming a mom is hard when your mom isn't around, but I've come to terms with the fact that she has chosen her road and I have to choose mine and I'm becoming more and more ok with that daily.   Thankfully, I have a super sweet supportive and wonderful hubby who makes me know that I'm not alone in this!

The other thing people keep asking me is if I'm gonna breastfeed.  Seriously?  How is this common people's business?  But really...If I say yes to people, they say stuff like "oh get ready", or "you'll never sleep again", or more detailed disgusting comments.  If I say no...oh my word people break into their sermons about how thats best for baby and so on and so on.  How bout this?  There are plenty of babies who weren't breastfed and they are totally fine.  and there are some that were breastfed that are now nuts...so really don't preach about what is best for my baby.  I'll decide, thank you!  I'm going to make an educated decision. 

Wow I feel better...I guess I just needed to get that out.

Baby Bean is on the way

We are so happy to announce that our 1st sweet baby is on the way.  I am 18 weeks and feeling ok, not great but better than I was in the 1st trimester!  We have nicknamed our bambino 'baby bean'.  This nickname sorta grew out of all the books we read in the 1st trimester, they all compared baby to the size of different beans, so the nickname 'bean' sorta sprouted. 
We find out on March 25th what we are having because Drew has to plan, hes a planner for a living so we must find out and me, well, I'm just not patient enough to wait to find out if bean is a boy or a girl. 
People ask me all the time so what do you think your having?...I don't know, am I supposed to know?  cause I have not the slightest clue.  Some days I am convinced its a boy, other days, I'm convinced its a girl.  One thing I do know is that it really doesn't matter one way or the other as long as sweet bean is healthy. 
Bean is due August 9, 2011:-)

My plan vs Gods plans

I want a bambino...and every 28 days I count and wait and then get disappointed.  Now, mind you it's  only been since July that we've actually been trying to get pregnant.  But somehow, silly me, got it in my mind that it would happen in a snap.  HAHA  silly silly silly me. 

God constantly reminds me that I need to trust in him and stop trying to control everything.  And I think that this is another way God is teaching me to rely on him and to trust that it will work out in his time NOT mine.  Well, I should say here that, thats fine and dandy.  But it really does stink to have to give control over, but that's exactly what I am trying to do.  Some days are better then others with the whole giving control over to God.  Some days I worry that somethings wrong with me and that I'll never have a bambino, and other days I think it'll happen when it happens. and if it doesn't then thats Gods plan too.

What if  a year from now I'm still hoping, each month to be pregnant, and each month keeps passing by... and then I stop that thought and think, nope, this is in GODS TIMING NOT MINE...His will, not mine.

Thats hard stuff.

It's been a year

It has been a year since I have spoken more than a "hello" to her and its taken me that year to come to grips with these things...

ONE: The makeup of my family is completely different to what I grew up knowing.  TWO: My future children's relationship with their grandparents is forever altered.  THREE: This all happened not because of one thing that one of them did, this happened because of the build up of little things, that both of them did and said.  If it had been one big thing, things would likely be very different.  FOUR: Forgiveness is difficult.

If one is forgiven does that mean that they are now welcome back into your life?  Or can you forgive without letting them back in your life?  Can one forgive and then keep the forgiven at a distance because of the lack of trust?

Honestly, I'm not sure I will ever have very much to say to her or him for that matter again.  Hopefully, I can forgive one day very soon, but that will only be through God's grace.

The Difference a Year Makes...

At this time last year grandpa was in the ICU after a stroke, following a surgery that had appeared to go well.  He couldn't talk, much less walk, he wasn't eating, all he could do was make sounds that no one could understand.  Worst of all he didn't know anyone, not one of us.  We truly did not think he would come back to us, we thought he was a few steps from seeing Jesus. 

But now a year later he is walking, talking (as much as ever) better than before the surgery.  Before the surgery (much less the stroke), he was not walking, but for a few steps and that was with a walker and assistance.  And now even after a stroke he is walking with out any assistance. 

It is as if time has reversed itself just for awhile.  God is good, good even when we are weeping on our knees wondering where He is, God is there just beyond the shadow. 

This time last year I thought I was going to loose my grandpa, but God is good and merciful and gave us all a bit more time.

Meet Duke

The newest addition to our lil family...DUKE

Meet Duke our 9 month old great dane.  We got him from a friend.  Duke has a sister named Daisey and together they make Daisey Dukes:) 
 
Likes: ice, shoes, his puppy food, sleeping, daddy
Dislikes: microwave, oven timer, moths (to all of these he gets scared)
 
Funny how a great dane is, if he stands on his back legs over 6 ft tall, scared of a moth...
 
I love him, and he loves us and Maggie too:)

So thankful for the little things

Today I took my grandma to the doctor, everything that was big that could be wrong...wasn't.  Now we just have to figure the little things that are wrong.  I am glad.  I made it to STL safely, and back home with Maggie safely.  Normally those aren't big things but today I'd thought I'd focus on the little things and make them the big things in my day :)