Tis the Season

I was dancing to Christmas music around the tree with Belle in my arms and I started to just feel them coming...the tears.  In recent years I've dreaded Christmas and I guess this year is no different only thing about this year is I'm not working and am at home alone with a toddler and my thoughts.  Not good some days.

The entire month of December when I was growing up was a holiday; mainly because of my birthday and Christmas.  Now I dread both.  Christmas in my house growing up was always an occasion from getting a tree,decorating, going to church, shopping and everything in between.  Christmas day was full of family, presents galore and mountains of food.  Everyone got  along ( for the most part). Christmas was always at my grandparents house.  And then it was over and the family was gone and Christmas was spent a part in separate houses, in separate states and with separated hearts.

It might all be easier if the family I knew had died because then they wouldn't have chosen to separate from us.  Its harder when they make the choice to leave.  Both my parents have chosen to leave me and since I've become a parent it tears my heart out every time I think about it and the holidays bring it all to the surface.  And I hate it.  Because I know now that I could never do to Belle what has been done to me.  never.  I would climb every mountain and swallow every bit of pride I have to prevent it. Its also so hard to see my sister go through much the same thing.

So I've resigned to make it a happy season for my sweet daughter, who doesn't deserve any of the feelings of abandonment and all the tears that I have.  I must focus on being a godly parent and apologizing when I don't get it right (which is often!)  Lucky for me God is my true Father and he hasn't left me.