Grief

Some days it doesn't hit me.  Most days it does at one time or another.  Yesterday I was in the car driving big one to preschool.  The day before I walked by his picture in the family room.  It's random, this gut wrenching, punch you in the stomach feeling of giref, sadness, loss.

We knew he was sick.  It was a fact, we knew he had stage 4 kidney failure and that that doesn't cure itself.  I thought I was prepared.  I went back home numerous times thinking that could be my last time seeing him.  Yet, I found myself there just 30 minutes after he had passed away completely unprepared.  Completely in shock.  And then my auto pilot kicked in.  Taking care of grandma, seeing that things were in order, making arrangements, and calling people to let them know.  We planned the funeral and I didn't cry, we went and got funeral clothes and I didn't cry, we hurried back home for one night and I didn't cry.  I didn't cry again until the day of the funeral.  I broke down when I saw him laying there lifeless, his soul in heaven.  People comforted me that hadn't even had the decency to talk to me in years. Which made me cry for longer, at their fakeness, at what shambles my family is in.

My grandpa wasn't just a grandpa. He was the only father figure I had in my life.  My dad left me when I was 4 and I haven't seen or spoken to him since my wedding day.
 My grandpa was the only one that stayed in my life.  He was a constant.
He was the one that walked me down the aisle,
introduced me to Jesus,
bought me my first car,
forgave people that wronged him over and over,
drove me everywhere when I was in elementary school,
bought me ice cream every day after school when I was in 5th grade (literally every. day.),
was over the moon when I brought Drew home because he finally had a grandson,
and my biggest supporter since I was knee high to a grasshopper.  I went through a lot of years of anger after my parents divorced and I took a lot of it out on him but he never batted an eye, never let me get to him.  Through all that he still just kept loving me, kept making sure I was taken care of and never let me want for much.  He was the only father I had and he is no longer here with us.  And my heart is broken.  I know he is with Jesus, of that I am sure, his faith and love for Jesus was his foundation.  But I still am sad with gut wrenching knee in your stomach grief at times.

My mother in law said something very wise at the funeral... she said "God gave you your grandparents because he knew you would need them."  So very true.  I would not be who I am today without my grandpa and grandma.

Rest in sweet peace with Jesus Grandpa.

2

So, I haven't posted in a long while.  Actually make that a REALLY LONG WHILE.

And in that REALLY LONG WHILE I became a momma of 2 girls...not just 1 anymore.

I'm still alive.  but most days it feels as though it is just barely alive.  And that is the truth.

Lil Miss Annalisa was born on June 24th.  After a rough start to the scheduled c-section we finally got to meet our new lil lady.  Evidently, I have an extremely high tolerance for pain meds.  There I am feeling tingly from a great spinal (and yes I say great b/c I didn't feel a thing) then before I know it the doc is poking me with something sharp and asking if I can feel it.  And I feel it.  Yep, felt every bit of it.  And I was supposed to be numb.  I guess they don't expect you to respond yes in tears when they ask can you feel that...
Then they gave me some more meds and put me on my head, tested me again and after I still felt their 2nd test they started talking about putting me under completely.  They even went out and told Drew that that was what was going to happen.  I'm crying and half drugged.  They started getting everything ready for putting me under and thankfully the doc said lets try one more time.  And this time, no tears because I couldn't feel anything.  She weighed 8lbs 3oz exactly one pound less then her big sis when she was born.  This lil lady felt like a newborn, unlike her older sister.  And that was it, life as a family of 4 began.

Annalisa had no problem fitting right in, her first night home we got up one time with her (which she has made up for since)  She is a beautiful, sweet lil lady.  Growing every day.
Her big sister had a rough time at first, not with her new sister but with me.  I think she was angry because I was gone for so long in the hospital and her routine was different.  But all is better now and she is back to her usual awesomeness.  Except now she is 3!

The transition from 1 to 2 was not without its bumps, bruises and tears but life as a momma of 2 has finally calmed down a little bit and we are establishing our new routine.  I am however, still hoping and wishing for more sleep but that is my new normal for now.