I've been writing again..

I sat down the other day feeling so sick of the soul, mind and body, that I knew I had to write it down, get it out. It isn't pretty. But I felt so much relief when I finished. It made it all hurt a little less. Here's what I wrote:

How does it feel to know all you knew was a lie?
Every touching moment, every tear, every giggle, every smile was just a show.
To know now that you never really cared.
How can one be so unfeeling? So remorseless?
To take what is not yours to have
How can I be from someone like you?
Will I morph into you as the years roll by?
or will the gene that is your evilness await in any future I may have?
You have chosen to leave, chosen to act like a coward, chosen to be wicked and hold your cold stone heart.
But as you chose, you hurt, you damaged, you abused.
I guess I've always known you weren't truly warm, loving and without evil.
I must have hoped too much that good would reign in you.
One left me by choice when I was young
You have left me know when I am older.
I am left with little of what I grew up knowing and loving.
To know that so much was a lie hurts and resounds so very much.

Well, there it is, even after typing it I feel better. As if the pressure is relieved just a bit.
If the person that inspired this ever reads it they will know that it is for them.

Quick moment of confusion

Umm, I am listening to my iTunes library and Pink Floyd just made its way around...I was unaware I had anything called Pink Floyd in my iTunes library...you never know what you might find, even when your not looking.
Side question: Is Pink Floyd a band or a person? Naturally the song was horrible and since has been deleted off my library but my curiousity is peeked.

Hurt

The hurt I feel from the stuff that has gone down this past month in my family, kills me a little everyday to think about.
No one died, No one was physically injured. But the whole concept of what my family is has changed. Every holiday celebration has changed, every trip to STL has changed, every memory I have I look back on and I question its true meaning and validity.
My family has forever changed and I'm clinging to the pieces that are left.
Wanna know the worst thing, I think I saw this coming for a long while, but I was in denial of the hurtful words, and actions building up. Its hard to vent this, and think it out without explaining it all but this isn't really the place. So I will stop rambling for now.

Taking the unknown path

Ok so I decided today to officially sub in school districts and go to on call at work. Scary. Scary. Scary stuff. I want to go back to the world of elementary schools and out of the world of 15 2 year olds. So here I go.

This shows I haven't blogged in awhile...

As I looked back at my last blog just a moment ago I thought 2 things (as I usually do) first:: wow its been more than a month since we actually closed on our house and two:: I haven't written in a while...
So whats the new house like ( yeah I know your asking....and even if your not I'm goin to inform you...ha)
We are finally sorta settled in. We are no longer living out of boxes, the 2nd bedroom (or as we call the storage unit) is only half full of stuff to go through, and the house is starting to become one with us...HA
Problems that have come up...
1. we have mice and massive amounts of bugs
2. garage door motor or the thing that hangs down from the ceiling pooped out

Solutions to problems:
1. We called Orkin....yeah I wanted the mice killed with a bb gun but oh no ...we must be enviromentally friendly...So after Orkin left and had sprayed and left their "sticky" mouse traps I set out the decon (good old nasty poison) well turns out our mouse or small rodents poop the decon....I didn't even know that was possible, but at least they are eating it...hopefully it will get around to killing them soon

2. The garage door guy is coming out Thursday. The motor thing runs when you push the button but it doesn't lift the door. yeah..not a clue as to garage door things.

We are waiting for problem #3 b/c problems do travel in 3's...(but maybe not this time...) HA

..the continuation of buying a house...

Ok, so, today was supposed to be our closing day on our new house. But no. Its not that easy, never. ever. This was our day...
Went to bed unsure of the results of the appraisal (which was done last Friday and results were to be given to the bank in 24 hrs of appraisal..but of course it was not given within 24 hrs..hence the delay from the bank)
The roof needs to be replaced, we know that we have savings for it....but the bank led us to believe last night we might need wayyy more than we have in savings to put in escrow (what ever that is). So we went to bed worrying, praying, and wondering if in fact this house was the house and if we were supposed to be moving into and buying.

Woke up...the closing was to be at 10...I should have signed my life away 10 times over but no. The appraisal isn't back to the bank yet.

We spent 5 hrs wondering around our boxed up apartment...praying, and waiting for the phone to magically ring and say *ok u can close at 3 today cause everything is fine...* but the phone didn't ring with that to say.

Finally around 3 we find out that nope the bank has to push back our closing date to Tuesday....but there is a slight problem in THEIR plan...the movers are coming tomorrow as in Friday to move our stuff to the new house that we won't now own till Tuesday...

Had to reschedule the movers for Wednesday...

Now here are my problems...
I took off work today, Fri, Mon, Tues and Wed. Crap. So I called work at told them I'd be in on Fri. and Mon. That means we'll have 2 days to move our crap b4 I have to be back at work and the apartment has to be inspected...

And no Drew...Drew has to start his new position at work on Mon and has to be around the hospital next week...so who gets to deal with movers and boxes and heaviness and furniture...the girl with the pacemaker who can't lift squat gets to do all this...oh yeah...so I am glad the bank scheduled how and when we were going to move...

The house buying process

Well...let me start by saying that the home buying process these days is just not as yummy as it sounds. We found THE house, we did all the right things in the right order...found a great Realtor, got pre-approval, knew our price range, found THE house in our price range.....
Now we go to get a mortgage...golly gee whiz. Oh and just a note just cause your pre approved doesn't mean anything. Anyway, we go to the bank give them all our life history and our blood type and minor organs and got approved to buy the house...yeah sounds great right? WRONG! Drew got a call that we were not approved for the type of mortgage we applied and were approved for ...a week after we stopped sweating about getting approval. Liars Liars Liars. Anyways, we had to go through another bank to get actually approved for the mortgage we actually wanted again.
Ok heres something that will make you stop and think hmmmmmmmmmmmm...
We could have easily been approved no matter what if we had any of the following
-no school debt which equals no higher education which then equals going not to far in the pay check scale...
- a kid or 2 (which equals...DUH...more debt..kids aren't cheap!) and apparently I have waited to long according to one mortgage gal to have kids....no joke she did not get why we wouldn't have a kid by now.

This just made me stop and think....that to get the money to buy our more than "affordable" house we should have no education and a kid or 2...looks like we screwed up somewhere...

2 Offers later we have a house

Well we have a house...hopefully, pending successful inspections. We will close officially in mid May....pending all the inspections.

I want to be more excited but I kinda waiting in doom for the inspection to go wrong ...

I think...I hope...

We went back out today to search for houses...now let me tell you up front I have certain ...shall we call them *feelings* about some things. Apparently houses are not one of those things I have special *feelings* about when I first look.
I found a house on Craigslist (yes, I am a Craigslist junkie) anyways found it on Craigslist, its in a sought after neighborhood in one of the nicer areas of Springfield and it was in our price range. I sent it to Drew to send to our realator... the pics showed a great house. lots of room and yummyness. We got a time to go look at it and of course I had to tell Drew that this was the one (before I saw it) I said I had a feeling...I am telling you right now I did have a feeling a good one, and then we walked inside. My good feeling turned into a puff of smoke, this house was all ceiling, very little house. And so the cycle of my disappointment continues.

We go the next house ... which by the way has been on the market for almost a year...yes about 365 days aka long time...we went in thinking something has to be wrong with this house we just get to have another "adventure". We walked in and I tell you I got a good vibe, the kitchen made me gooey inside and the laundry room made me smile, but the secret crawl space (for the laundry basket) between the laundry room and master bath made me giggle and then climb through. Basically its a spot in the master bath that has the apperance of a cabnient on the floor...but then u open it and boom you just slide you laundry basket (full of dirty or clean clothes) into the laundry room. This made me giggle purely b/c I would not have to carry a basket of clothes all the way around to the laudry room from the master bedroom....or I could just crawl through it (which by the way is good exercise). The big bedrooms and openness in the family room and did I mention the kitchen...made me extremley excited...
and so we make our first offer on a house....here we go

House Hunting

Oh Perfect House ..where oh where can you be...

So Drew and I are house hunting...we have gone through about 10 and found a good one but then found out that wouldn't work out ...we had to keep looking... So we are going back out this weekend.

This business of house hunting and buying is just not for me. I'm used to going to the store, picking out what I like and going home with it...but with house buying you have to make offers, negotiate with the seller and the bank. To many hoops to jump through for me, to much unsureness (thats my own made up word) of what if we don't get it, will we get it and that evil temptation to imagine your stuff here and there, what colors would work for the walls...etc...

I just want to pick it out, buy it and have it...

Trust

So on Sunday Drew and I had a first...
it was the 1st time we have given 10% of our income as a tithe to God.

It was a big thing, here we are, growing in our relationship with God through doing nightly devotionals with The Purpose Driven Life, which reminds us of the need to trust God with everything...including money. This was hard...harder than either one of us thought.

We are suppoused to be saving money for a house, but we knew (from doing this devotional) that we would never truly get a house or make any head way in life if we didn't give our tithe to God. We are trusting in him with everything...he says he will provide us with what we need, and in May we will need a house. I am so scared yet I have never been so hopeful and excited to see what and where God will take us. But my little human self is still scared.
.... all we can do is trust in his faithfulness.

I gotta get this off my chest...

It seems everyone around me is either pregnant or has a baby....why is that? Even people who just got married are poppin up pregnant. Thats just what it seems like to me. Don't get me wrong..please...if you have a baby or are pregnant I am beyond happy for you. I am just wondering why it is that everyone I seem to know is either going to have or has kids.
Being married for 5 years I guess is weird and still not have a kid or two but let me explain the reasoning...b/c I'm starting to get the question, "well dont u want kids?" or "are u ever going to get around to it?" or some other question that has to do with being married for 5 years and still no kid.
Drew and I got married 5 years ago and everyone thought we were getting married because we were pregnant, or everyone thought we got engaged in high school cause we were pregnant. And now everyone thinks we are funny or weird to still not have kids after 5 years of being married. Ok so heres some reasoning. When we did get married we barely had a pot to pee in and a window to throw it out in (as my grandma would say) and we were both in school and school to both of us has always been a huge deal and goal. Now think would it be wise for us to have brought a child into this world when we neither one had an education or money and were livin from week to week? It would have been possible but truly not what we wanted for our future children...and now people ask well why not now?
It all goes back to the idea that Drew and I have come to understand...and that is when its time you'll know and if you can barely provide for yourself what makes it wise to bring a whole other person into this world that your mission is to care for. We want more for our kids than what we had....and further more I just dont feel ready yet...and gosh darn it I think thats ok! We are enjoying our time together just the two of us...constantly moving (seems like), traveling whenever we want, just being together just the two of us ...truly learning the wonders of commiting our lives to another person forever.
We will have kids but just not now....
Am I ready?....no not quite yet, I want to teach a while, and furthermore I shouldn't have kids right now medically b/c of the meds I'm on for my pacemaker and heart. Does that mean I cant have kids..nope but this heart stuff has to get figured out before I can think about trying to have kids....b/c obviously I wanna be around to see them! The other thing is since I've been in working at the daycare I know I don't want my kids from 8 weeks on in daycare day in and day out....its just personal opinion, I want to stay home with them and financially, and career wise I'm not ready for that. And I know I wont have family around to take care of them (if I did, that'd be different).
Am I more ready now than even last year? Oh yeah... I can't wait to have a baby, I wonder if the day will come some times, but then I remember that it will in time. I think right now ...I'm more ready for a baby than Drew is (he's still in 2 much love with his job to think about much else...which is good!) But this time next year...yeah I'll prolly be ready but who knows....God does and he knows when I'll be ready b/c becoming a parent is not something to go into lightly. And in the meantime I'm learning all the things to do with kids and not do..

Ok so now I feel better ...prolly until someone else asks me when I'm going to have kids again!
Just wanted to get that sermon and preachin off my chest:)

This time last year..

As I sit here...doing my basic nothing I find myself thinking back to this time last year. This time last year I was nose deep in teaching 24 5th graders. Gosh I loved them...at the time I was never so busy as I was then, I was always at school. I got up at 6:15 every morning and was at school by 7:30 and usually stayed until at least 5 or 6. I was never so tired but never so happy with my work. My mind never stopped, I was always thinking of ways to improve my teaching, how to make the next days lesson more fun, how to get through grading 24 papers from 6 subjects.
And now I'm nose deep in 15 1 and a half and 2 and a half snot nosed, poopy diapered, sweet talkin, adorable smiles. I really love them but last year was beyond anything so wonderful, I am hoping and praying for a job with elementary kids. Ones who for the most part keep their snot and throw up to themselves.
I wouldn't trade last year and my 5th graders for anything. I miss them so much. I am learning the patience of Job in order to find my dream job of teaching 5th graders...(or even 3rd, or 6th, or 4th).
Last year I did not know how good I had it, I cherish every moment, stressful or wonderful. Teaching my 5th graders, they made me sure of what my dream was and is...to teach upper elementary...I place my faith in God, in someone who knows more than I...much more.

For a moment ...

My scar...2 months out of surgery

For a moment today I forgot I had a pacemaker... and then I felt my heart beat kinda funny and I remembered.


It doesn't hurt at all but I can feel the beats are funny when the pacemaker pops in to motion for my heart. I can't really describe it other than...if you have ever felt your heart miss a beat, thats kinda what it feels like, only mine doesn't miss it, it has something else to beat for it.


Right now I'm sorta in the stage where everytime I feel it I'm reminded that if not for it, I wouldn't be here. It's weird...very weird to think that if not for this thing I wouldn't be here right at that moment when my heart beats funny.


My heart stopped in the hospital for 23 seconds, I awoke to nurses with paddles over me, if I hadn't of gotten the pacemaker when I did the next time my heart may have decided to stop for longer...which deprives my brain of oxygen... and maybe the next time it wouldn't have restarted itself...yeah I know scary.


There is a reason I am here.... I know that now, if there wasn't I wouldn't be.


Don't think I saw the white light when my heart stopped (thats what Drew asked me a couple weeks ago...if I saw a great white light like the movies say you do when your heart stops)


So why am I here? I dont have a clue, but God knows, because he moved me to the best cardiac doctors in the midwest(to Springfield IL) just last June so I know there a reason for everything...


"My flesh and heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:26

So I heard a song...

I got the new Taylor Swift cd for Christmas and finally got around to unwrapping it and actually listening to the whole thing just last week. You know how you listen to a cd a couple times before you actually listen word for word to one of the songs...(maybe thats just me...) but I got to actually listening word for word to the 2nd song on her cd "Fifteen" here are the lyrics...

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors

Its the morning of your very first day

you say hi to your friends you aint seen in a while

Try and stay out of everybodys wayits your freshman year and youre gonna be here

for the next four years in this town

hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say

you know I havent seen you around, before

Cause when youre fifteen and somebody tells you they love you

youre gonna believe themand when youre fifteen

feeling like there nothing to figure out

well count to ten, take it in

this is life before you know who your gonna be

You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail

and soon enough youre best friends laughing at the other girls who think theyre so cool

we'll be out of here as soon as we can

and then you're on your very first date and hes got a car

and youre feeling like flying

and your momas waiting up and you think hes the one

and your dancing round your room when the night ends when the night ends

Cause when youre fifteen and somebody tells you they love you your gonna believe them

when youre fifteen and your first kiss makes your head spin round

butin your life youll do greater things than dating the boy on the football team

but I didnt know it at fifteen

When all you wanted was to be wanted wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday

but I realized some bigger dreams of mine
and Abigail gave everything she had to a boy

who changed his mind and we both cried

Cause when youre fifteen and somebody tells you they love you your gonna believe them and when youre fifteen,

dont forget to look before you fall

Ive found that time can heal most anything and you just might find who youre supposed to be

I didnt know who I was supposed to be at fifteen
Youre very first day

take a deep breath girltake a deep breath as you walk through those doors.
You can also check Taylor Swift Fearless Album Track Listings in CD andTaylor Swift Fearless Lyrics

I must say that Taylor Swift has wonderful heart breakingly true songs...I didn't have a clue as to who I was at fifteen. and Lord does that chorus ring true, cause when you are fifteen and sombody tells you they love you ...your gonna believe them...yeah, so true. I wish I could go back and smack myself over the head and tell me to pay attention to more of the school part and less of the boy part of high school. I wish I could tell myself that God had a guy for me and he would show up when God was good and ready for me to find him so that I didn't want to be wanted as the song says.

I even had a best friend at fifteen that was a red head...and we laughed alot together (Renee;)

I thought I'd share this song with ya'll that read my bloggy thing, cause its a beautiful song, and for those that are still fifteen...love it....pay attention to the little things, like school and family don't let the boys worry ya. Trust in God and that he does have a plan for you...Although...if I hadn't of gone through who I sorta was at fifteen I would not be the person I am today....the one who knows to trust in God! (even though its HARD as heck most of the time:)

My MAggie Girl

This was taken on Christmas morning...she is wrapped in a scarf I got as a Christmas present...I put it on her and next thing I knew she was asleep in the middle of the floor. She loves to be snuggly!

And so another blog is created...

So I created my very own blog...how special! Actually, I stole the idea from loads of other people, so I didn't really create anything.
But let me let you in on my new years resolutions...(I thought if I blogged them then I might actually follow through with them...for at least 6 months)
1. I will read the book of Job (because it has come to my attention that I need the patience of Job in order to find my dream job...oh yeah and Job and job are spelled the same...haha)
2. I will be more positive everyday
3. I will stop picking at my cuticles (already broke that one, but I figure I can renew my resolutions now)
4.I will Save money for a new house (code for no more shopping trips:(
5. I will Start my masters

And there they are, in 5 brief things...I could have typed a book worth but more than 5 and I loose attention or forget.

How do you close a blog?