Grief

Some days it doesn't hit me.  Most days it does at one time or another.  Yesterday I was in the car driving big one to preschool.  The day before I walked by his picture in the family room.  It's random, this gut wrenching, punch you in the stomach feeling of giref, sadness, loss.

We knew he was sick.  It was a fact, we knew he had stage 4 kidney failure and that that doesn't cure itself.  I thought I was prepared.  I went back home numerous times thinking that could be my last time seeing him.  Yet, I found myself there just 30 minutes after he had passed away completely unprepared.  Completely in shock.  And then my auto pilot kicked in.  Taking care of grandma, seeing that things were in order, making arrangements, and calling people to let them know.  We planned the funeral and I didn't cry, we went and got funeral clothes and I didn't cry, we hurried back home for one night and I didn't cry.  I didn't cry again until the day of the funeral.  I broke down when I saw him laying there lifeless, his soul in heaven.  People comforted me that hadn't even had the decency to talk to me in years. Which made me cry for longer, at their fakeness, at what shambles my family is in.

My grandpa wasn't just a grandpa. He was the only father figure I had in my life.  My dad left me when I was 4 and I haven't seen or spoken to him since my wedding day.
 My grandpa was the only one that stayed in my life.  He was a constant.
He was the one that walked me down the aisle,
introduced me to Jesus,
bought me my first car,
forgave people that wronged him over and over,
drove me everywhere when I was in elementary school,
bought me ice cream every day after school when I was in 5th grade (literally every. day.),
was over the moon when I brought Drew home because he finally had a grandson,
and my biggest supporter since I was knee high to a grasshopper.  I went through a lot of years of anger after my parents divorced and I took a lot of it out on him but he never batted an eye, never let me get to him.  Through all that he still just kept loving me, kept making sure I was taken care of and never let me want for much.  He was the only father I had and he is no longer here with us.  And my heart is broken.  I know he is with Jesus, of that I am sure, his faith and love for Jesus was his foundation.  But I still am sad with gut wrenching knee in your stomach grief at times.

My mother in law said something very wise at the funeral... she said "God gave you your grandparents because he knew you would need them."  So very true.  I would not be who I am today without my grandpa and grandma.

Rest in sweet peace with Jesus Grandpa.

2

So, I haven't posted in a long while.  Actually make that a REALLY LONG WHILE.

And in that REALLY LONG WHILE I became a momma of 2 girls...not just 1 anymore.

I'm still alive.  but most days it feels as though it is just barely alive.  And that is the truth.

Lil Miss Annalisa was born on June 24th.  After a rough start to the scheduled c-section we finally got to meet our new lil lady.  Evidently, I have an extremely high tolerance for pain meds.  There I am feeling tingly from a great spinal (and yes I say great b/c I didn't feel a thing) then before I know it the doc is poking me with something sharp and asking if I can feel it.  And I feel it.  Yep, felt every bit of it.  And I was supposed to be numb.  I guess they don't expect you to respond yes in tears when they ask can you feel that...
Then they gave me some more meds and put me on my head, tested me again and after I still felt their 2nd test they started talking about putting me under completely.  They even went out and told Drew that that was what was going to happen.  I'm crying and half drugged.  They started getting everything ready for putting me under and thankfully the doc said lets try one more time.  And this time, no tears because I couldn't feel anything.  She weighed 8lbs 3oz exactly one pound less then her big sis when she was born.  This lil lady felt like a newborn, unlike her older sister.  And that was it, life as a family of 4 began.

Annalisa had no problem fitting right in, her first night home we got up one time with her (which she has made up for since)  She is a beautiful, sweet lil lady.  Growing every day.
Her big sister had a rough time at first, not with her new sister but with me.  I think she was angry because I was gone for so long in the hospital and her routine was different.  But all is better now and she is back to her usual awesomeness.  Except now she is 3!

The transition from 1 to 2 was not without its bumps, bruises and tears but life as a momma of 2 has finally calmed down a little bit and we are establishing our new routine.  I am however, still hoping and wishing for more sleep but that is my new normal for now.

2 years old!

This time 2 years ago we brought home this lil gal...

1 year ago...

Today...

When did she get so big?  I would like to know...because I obviously don't remember it happening...
This time last year...I wrote about some of her favorite things so I thought I would do it again.

She loves: swimming, playing with her kitchen set, eating ice cream and M&M's, swinging, the big blue slide at the park, taking care of her babies, coloring and stickers, loving on her bear; BoBo and feeding ice to Duke

Fav books:  Llama Llama and Pinkalicious and Curious George
FAv food: Beef and Noodle and icecream with daddy and any kind of fruit
Fav words: awesome, yeah, silly
Newest discovery: Winnie the Pooh and eating her entire meal with a FORK!:)

She is beyond sweet and still our answered prayer.  We prayed many days for her and she is beyond anything we ever dreamed God would give us.  She is a beautiful little girl inside and out and we adore her.

10 Years Ago

10 years ago today Drew and I got married.

I know what your thinking, geez 10 years.  I know, because that is exactly what I've been thinking too!

So, in honor of being married 10 years...I'm going to give you a glimpse at what life for us was like 10 years ago (at least what I can remember).

10 years ago...

- We were both kids...just 19.  Yep, 19. We were engaged spring break of our senior year of high school.

- I cried the entire way down the aisle.  And I cried throughout almost the entire ceremony.  I was a hot Cinderella dressed mess.  Not because I was sad, but because I knew this was life altering, not something to be willy nilly about.  This was marriage and I was absolutely overjoyed that I had found God's perfect someone for me.  But looking back it would have been huge if I might have laid off the tears a bit...maybe I wouldn't have messed up my vows and had to repeat them.

- My mom was my maid of honor.  Amazing what can happen in 10 years time to a relationship.

- We were broke. Drew had 2 part time jobs that summer, I was gainfully unemployed and both of us were about to start our 2nd year at 2 different universities in Saint Louis.  In several of the years that followed our wedding we ate the vast majority of meals with my family or his because free food was exactly that...free.

- My sister was 7 and she was not a big fan of all the waiting that came with a wedding...waiting to go in, waiting to get pictures done, waiting to get the ceremony over with, waiting to take more pics, waiting to go eat, waiting for cake, waiting to get her scratchy dress off.  By the end of the afternoon she was an emotional mess.  But I do remember laughing at her several times:)

- My grandparents walked me down the aisle. I cried.

- My father-in-law married us.

- I wore ballet slippers because lets be real here people...heels are not for an overly emotional bride like myself.

- I was a curly haired red head.  Yep.  And I admit I'd love to go back and redo my hair.

- Drew was ubber Hot that day, like straight up GQ worthy.

- Drew was not a big fan of wearing a black tux in 90 degree heat at 10 in the morning.

- Besides the day that Belle was born, this was my favorite day.

Here is to 60 more years together :-)

Mother's Day

I have mixed emotions about Mother's Day.

On one hand I don't care for Mother's Day.  It's another holiday made up by Hallmark to sell cards.  Another day to remind me that so many women my age have a mom out there that loves them, supports them and is their friend.  Another day to remind me that I don't have that relationship.
Even before our relationship fell apart it was strained, I couldn't be myself around her.  I felt like I was constantly trying to earn her love and to make sure I didn't lose it.
I wonder if our relationship was ever real sometimes.

Yet on the other hand I'm a momma to a beautiful and sweet baby girl that I love more than life itself.  And Mother's Day to me means celebrating that little girl that has made me a momma.

I never want Belle to question if I love her...I never want her to think she has to earn my love or that she could ever lose it.  I want her to see me apologize, and know that even momma isn't perfect and that that is why we need Jesus.  I want her to have the relationship with me that I don't have (maybe never had).  That is my prayer this Mother's Day.

A Change of Heart

Sunday before last we were studying the first part of Galatians, where Paul gives a brief history of his life and talks about finding freedom in Christ.  But what got me was the part about Paul's past, he began his life as a persecutor of Christians but one day God changed his heart and made him into the man he was to be, a follower of Christ and a leader of Christians.

Focus with me: God changed Paul's heart.  Changed it so dramatically and fully that it was unbelievable to some.  To me, it's hope.  

If God can change Paul's heart then can God change the one person's heart that made me run back to Him? Yes, He can.  But will he? and would she even accept the change?  I don't know.  

All I know is this: seeing the utter destruction of our relationship was the final straw that sent me seeking God once again with an actual open heart to Him.  

  

Tis the Season

I was dancing to Christmas music around the tree with Belle in my arms and I started to just feel them coming...the tears.  In recent years I've dreaded Christmas and I guess this year is no different only thing about this year is I'm not working and am at home alone with a toddler and my thoughts.  Not good some days.

The entire month of December when I was growing up was a holiday; mainly because of my birthday and Christmas.  Now I dread both.  Christmas in my house growing up was always an occasion from getting a tree,decorating, going to church, shopping and everything in between.  Christmas day was full of family, presents galore and mountains of food.  Everyone got  along ( for the most part). Christmas was always at my grandparents house.  And then it was over and the family was gone and Christmas was spent a part in separate houses, in separate states and with separated hearts.

It might all be easier if the family I knew had died because then they wouldn't have chosen to separate from us.  Its harder when they make the choice to leave.  Both my parents have chosen to leave me and since I've become a parent it tears my heart out every time I think about it and the holidays bring it all to the surface.  And I hate it.  Because I know now that I could never do to Belle what has been done to me.  never.  I would climb every mountain and swallow every bit of pride I have to prevent it. Its also so hard to see my sister go through much the same thing.

So I've resigned to make it a happy season for my sweet daughter, who doesn't deserve any of the feelings of abandonment and all the tears that I have.  I must focus on being a godly parent and apologizing when I don't get it right (which is often!)  Lucky for me God is my true Father and he hasn't left me.