Few things are as they seem

Remember when you were young and you drove by bigger houses than yours or when you were surrounded by people in school who seemed to have it all? 


Turns out in reality few things are as simple as a happy family in a big house. 


Just look at Tiger Woods, or Jon and Kate, heck now I can even look at my own family and we never appeared to have anything much except each other and now we are no longer holding to each other. 


and the truth sometimes makes more sense than the lies we've formed to appear we had it all in the first place. 

I've been writing again..

I sat down the other day feeling so sick of the soul, mind and body, that I knew I had to write it down, get it out. It isn't pretty. But I felt so much relief when I finished. It made it all hurt a little less. Here's what I wrote:

How does it feel to know all you knew was a lie?
Every touching moment, every tear, every giggle, every smile was just a show.
To know now that you never really cared.
How can one be so unfeeling? So remorseless?
To take what is not yours to have
How can I be from someone like you?
Will I morph into you as the years roll by?
or will the gene that is your evilness await in any future I may have?
You have chosen to leave, chosen to act like a coward, chosen to be wicked and hold your cold stone heart.
But as you chose, you hurt, you damaged, you abused.
I guess I've always known you weren't truly warm, loving and without evil.
I must have hoped too much that good would reign in you.
One left me by choice when I was young
You have left me know when I am older.
I am left with little of what I grew up knowing and loving.
To know that so much was a lie hurts and resounds so very much.

Well, there it is, even after typing it I feel better. As if the pressure is relieved just a bit.
If the person that inspired this ever reads it they will know that it is for them.

Quick moment of confusion

Umm, I am listening to my iTunes library and Pink Floyd just made its way around...I was unaware I had anything called Pink Floyd in my iTunes library...you never know what you might find, even when your not looking.
Side question: Is Pink Floyd a band or a person? Naturally the song was horrible and since has been deleted off my library but my curiousity is peeked.

Hurt

The hurt I feel from the stuff that has gone down this past month in my family, kills me a little everyday to think about.
No one died, No one was physically injured. But the whole concept of what my family is has changed. Every holiday celebration has changed, every trip to STL has changed, every memory I have I look back on and I question its true meaning and validity.
My family has forever changed and I'm clinging to the pieces that are left.
Wanna know the worst thing, I think I saw this coming for a long while, but I was in denial of the hurtful words, and actions building up. Its hard to vent this, and think it out without explaining it all but this isn't really the place. So I will stop rambling for now.

Taking the unknown path

Ok so I decided today to officially sub in school districts and go to on call at work. Scary. Scary. Scary stuff. I want to go back to the world of elementary schools and out of the world of 15 2 year olds. So here I go.

This shows I haven't blogged in awhile...

As I looked back at my last blog just a moment ago I thought 2 things (as I usually do) first:: wow its been more than a month since we actually closed on our house and two:: I haven't written in a while...
So whats the new house like ( yeah I know your asking....and even if your not I'm goin to inform you...ha)
We are finally sorta settled in. We are no longer living out of boxes, the 2nd bedroom (or as we call the storage unit) is only half full of stuff to go through, and the house is starting to become one with us...HA
Problems that have come up...
1. we have mice and massive amounts of bugs
2. garage door motor or the thing that hangs down from the ceiling pooped out

Solutions to problems:
1. We called Orkin....yeah I wanted the mice killed with a bb gun but oh no ...we must be enviromentally friendly...So after Orkin left and had sprayed and left their "sticky" mouse traps I set out the decon (good old nasty poison) well turns out our mouse or small rodents poop the decon....I didn't even know that was possible, but at least they are eating it...hopefully it will get around to killing them soon

2. The garage door guy is coming out Thursday. The motor thing runs when you push the button but it doesn't lift the door. yeah..not a clue as to garage door things.

We are waiting for problem #3 b/c problems do travel in 3's...(but maybe not this time...) HA

..the continuation of buying a house...

Ok, so, today was supposed to be our closing day on our new house. But no. Its not that easy, never. ever. This was our day...
Went to bed unsure of the results of the appraisal (which was done last Friday and results were to be given to the bank in 24 hrs of appraisal..but of course it was not given within 24 hrs..hence the delay from the bank)
The roof needs to be replaced, we know that we have savings for it....but the bank led us to believe last night we might need wayyy more than we have in savings to put in escrow (what ever that is). So we went to bed worrying, praying, and wondering if in fact this house was the house and if we were supposed to be moving into and buying.

Woke up...the closing was to be at 10...I should have signed my life away 10 times over but no. The appraisal isn't back to the bank yet.

We spent 5 hrs wondering around our boxed up apartment...praying, and waiting for the phone to magically ring and say *ok u can close at 3 today cause everything is fine...* but the phone didn't ring with that to say.

Finally around 3 we find out that nope the bank has to push back our closing date to Tuesday....but there is a slight problem in THEIR plan...the movers are coming tomorrow as in Friday to move our stuff to the new house that we won't now own till Tuesday...

Had to reschedule the movers for Wednesday...

Now here are my problems...
I took off work today, Fri, Mon, Tues and Wed. Crap. So I called work at told them I'd be in on Fri. and Mon. That means we'll have 2 days to move our crap b4 I have to be back at work and the apartment has to be inspected...

And no Drew...Drew has to start his new position at work on Mon and has to be around the hospital next week...so who gets to deal with movers and boxes and heaviness and furniture...the girl with the pacemaker who can't lift squat gets to do all this...oh yeah...so I am glad the bank scheduled how and when we were going to move...