My plan vs Gods plans

I want a bambino...and every 28 days I count and wait and then get disappointed.  Now, mind you it's  only been since July that we've actually been trying to get pregnant.  But somehow, silly me, got it in my mind that it would happen in a snap.  HAHA  silly silly silly me. 

God constantly reminds me that I need to trust in him and stop trying to control everything.  And I think that this is another way God is teaching me to rely on him and to trust that it will work out in his time NOT mine.  Well, I should say here that, thats fine and dandy.  But it really does stink to have to give control over, but that's exactly what I am trying to do.  Some days are better then others with the whole giving control over to God.  Some days I worry that somethings wrong with me and that I'll never have a bambino, and other days I think it'll happen when it happens. and if it doesn't then thats Gods plan too.

What if  a year from now I'm still hoping, each month to be pregnant, and each month keeps passing by... and then I stop that thought and think, nope, this is in GODS TIMING NOT MINE...His will, not mine.

Thats hard stuff.

It's been a year

It has been a year since I have spoken more than a "hello" to her and its taken me that year to come to grips with these things...

ONE: The makeup of my family is completely different to what I grew up knowing.  TWO: My future children's relationship with their grandparents is forever altered.  THREE: This all happened not because of one thing that one of them did, this happened because of the build up of little things, that both of them did and said.  If it had been one big thing, things would likely be very different.  FOUR: Forgiveness is difficult.

If one is forgiven does that mean that they are now welcome back into your life?  Or can you forgive without letting them back in your life?  Can one forgive and then keep the forgiven at a distance because of the lack of trust?

Honestly, I'm not sure I will ever have very much to say to her or him for that matter again.  Hopefully, I can forgive one day very soon, but that will only be through God's grace.

The Difference a Year Makes...

At this time last year grandpa was in the ICU after a stroke, following a surgery that had appeared to go well.  He couldn't talk, much less walk, he wasn't eating, all he could do was make sounds that no one could understand.  Worst of all he didn't know anyone, not one of us.  We truly did not think he would come back to us, we thought he was a few steps from seeing Jesus. 

But now a year later he is walking, talking (as much as ever) better than before the surgery.  Before the surgery (much less the stroke), he was not walking, but for a few steps and that was with a walker and assistance.  And now even after a stroke he is walking with out any assistance. 

It is as if time has reversed itself just for awhile.  God is good, good even when we are weeping on our knees wondering where He is, God is there just beyond the shadow. 

This time last year I thought I was going to loose my grandpa, but God is good and merciful and gave us all a bit more time.

Meet Duke

The newest addition to our lil family...DUKE

Meet Duke our 9 month old great dane.  We got him from a friend.  Duke has a sister named Daisey and together they make Daisey Dukes:) 
 
Likes: ice, shoes, his puppy food, sleeping, daddy
Dislikes: microwave, oven timer, moths (to all of these he gets scared)
 
Funny how a great dane is, if he stands on his back legs over 6 ft tall, scared of a moth...
 
I love him, and he loves us and Maggie too:)

So thankful for the little things

Today I took my grandma to the doctor, everything that was big that could be wrong...wasn't.  Now we just have to figure the little things that are wrong.  I am glad.  I made it to STL safely, and back home with Maggie safely.  Normally those aren't big things but today I'd thought I'd focus on the little things and make them the big things in my day :)

Things never go as I think...

So I'm going back to the world of two year olds.  I've given up the idea of teaching again, since teaching jobs are few and far between to say the least.  So I'm going back to the world of diapers, poop, boogers, and giggles.  Only this time I'm moving up to Room 6 which is strictly at least 2 year olds instead of Room 5 which is 15 monthers. 
I couldn't do it without Bebby...she keeps me sane, lets me be lazy and listens to my whining and yelling...Without Bebby I wouldn't go back. 

Things never go as I think they will...this being another huge example of the fact that things are up to God, not me...not by a long shot.

To Melissa!

Hey girlie!!  I just figured out that you have been making comments on the blog thing (sometimes it takes me awhile to figure things out)
Anywho...thanks for your encouarging and insightful words:)
And again Congrats on the little bambino:)

kind words

So I was talking to a lady today at one of the schools I sub in a lot and she was asking me if applied for the position at that school. 
I told her yes and then she asked, "where else are you applying?" 
I said, "I'm not applying anywhere else."
"Why in the world not?" she asked
"If I don't get the job at this school than we are going to go on to the next step which is trying to have a family."
I expected her to say, oh my dear, you have to apply other places, you can do both, work and be a mom...etc
Insead she broke out into this huge sweet smile and said, "thats Great!, I'm so excited for you!"  (at this point I could have kissed her I was so grateful for some positive feedback to our plan)

Wow, the wonders that some kind words can do, when all I've heard lately are not such kind words. 

It's not gonna be easy

So I went to the heart doc today...and the 2nd question out of their mouths had to do with when we were going to start a family.  How handy cause I was gonna ask on the same topic.  I must say she looked rather apprehensive about the whole thing, but she reassured me that having kids with my pacemaker is ok and that the pacemaker won't hurt the baby (when there is a baby). 
I do have to go off some meds b4 even trying to get pregnant bc the meds could cause early miscarriage.  So yeah this whole baby thing won't be as easy as it appears on 16 and pregnant.  HAHA

Why?

Why does is seem everywhere I go, everything I see has something to do with being pregnant? 

No I'm not pregnant...yet. 

Everyone seems to make getting pregnant, being pregnant so easy.  I wish it was that easy.  It's not

Anger

In church we are going through a sermon series on the 'Sermon on the Mount' and in that sermon, Christ gives us standards to strive for once we have given our all to him.  This week the focus is on anger (Matthew 5:21-26).  And oh man do I need to deal with some anger and I do not mean in the form of punching something!
There are things in my life, more like people in my life that are bringing this anger thing out.  The relationships with these people have been in the toliet (for lack of better words) for years but the past couple of months the toliet is starting to overflow.  (moving on from the toliet comparison, you get the point)
I am angry at these people, so very angry and I just don't know how to get past it.  Christ says to resolve our anger with the other, but I can't sometimes calm down to deal with it in my head much less with that person.  I am struggling with this so very much right now, I tried a month or two ago to just leave it behind me but I realize now that I am not over it, am still very angry and am most likely going to have to deal with that person and my anger. 
I am trying to look to Christ, I really am, and I need strength and the power from Christ to overcome this roadblock of anger and to do what I need to do to move with life. 

Why did I go?

People always told me, " you want to have a college education!" or "you won't go anywhere without a college degree"  HAHA!  Looks like I'm not going anywhere with one either!

So I was one of those people who went to college, not an expensive one, but not a community college (not saying ANYTHING againt CC's!).  I worked while I was in college, applied and got grants.  But still I end up with more debt than the average American has sunk in their Cadillacs.  And my hubby, well, HA he's got more than a house would cost!
Do the loan companies make it easy to repay these, and work with you, even though I don't have a job that could pay them all back with 3 years of salary?  No, they make it insanly difficult.  Their customer service representatives are in India, which makes the whole speaking English thing pretty difficult. 
Well, now I'm wondering why in the world I went to college in the first place?  I'm not using my degree becuase I can't find a teaching job (not that a teaching job salary would pay for my loans anyway)  And I could be doing the same thing I'm doing making about the same without a college education. 

So I find myself asking why exactly did I go to college?

Missing the Sun

I did not know it could be so overcast for so many days in a row.  I miss the sun and summer isn't even my favorite season, it's winter.  But come on, I need some sun because I'm sure I've reached a new low on my Vitamin D count over the past month of non sunny weather!
Thats my rant for the day.

Few things are as they seem

Remember when you were young and you drove by bigger houses than yours or when you were surrounded by people in school who seemed to have it all? 


Turns out in reality few things are as simple as a happy family in a big house. 


Just look at Tiger Woods, or Jon and Kate, heck now I can even look at my own family and we never appeared to have anything much except each other and now we are no longer holding to each other. 


and the truth sometimes makes more sense than the lies we've formed to appear we had it all in the first place.